Say it: schnitzel.

When it’s not filling its primary role as a surefire comedy word, schnitzel is a delicious Austrian treat of breaded, fried meat. Before we proceed, a clarification is in order: yours truly does not eat veal or pork, two most common schnitzel vehicles. Chicken schnitzel is totally a thing, though - if you don’t believe me, ask my parents. In any case, the directions below should work for most meats of this sort. The ‘wich in the title above means we’ll be making a sandwich; specifically, an attempt at recreating Tabor cart’s delicious schnitzelwich, available in downtown Portland.

You will need:

• 2 chicken breasts or thighs, boneless and skinless, extra fat lovingly trimmed off
• All-purpose flour
• 2 eggs
• breadcrumbs
• Vegetable oil
• salt and pepper
• lemon juice
• 2 Ciabatta rolls, halved, or 4 thick slices of ciabatta loaf
• 1 medium onion
• 2 leaves lettuce, washed and dried
• 1/2-1 tbsp horseradish sauce
• 2 tbsp ajvar (explained below)

(You’ll notice that I went all witty and made schnitzelwich sliders. This recipe is for two big sandwiches; the principle is the same.)

Peel the onion and cut off the end roots. Slice it 1/4” thick. Sautée it in oil in a small pan. Drain on a paper towel on a plate and set aside; if the onion is too dry, place it in a bowl and add a little bit of water. This will be one of the toppings on the sandwich.

Scallop the meat, by which I mean, pound it flat. Pork and veal will take a beating; be gentle with chicken. The goal is to flatten the cut without shredding it. Since I’m guessing you don’t want chicken juices all over your kitchen, put the chicken in a large freezer bag, press all the air out and close, and then pound safely. If you don’t have a kitchen mallet, use something heavy, sturdy, and flat. I’ve used anything from a big jar to a two-by-four.

Raw-chicken alert: if you touch it, wash your hands immediately. Don’t wipe them on your apron, don’t touch the faucet, don’t move the flower pot out of the way: wash them.

Arrange the flattened scallops on a plate and liberally salt and pepper them on both sides. Use a fork to flip them over; treat them gently from this point on. 

Set three shallow (but not completely flat) plates in a line leading to your stove. Start with a plate of flour, then a plate of 2 beaten eggs, then breadcrumbs. 

Heat 1/4” of oil in a heavy dutch oven or other solid pot. (Don’t use shallow, light cookware for this.) This will seem like a lot of oil, but the truth is that swimming schnitzels take on less fat than those that stick to the bottom. The oil should be heated to 350 F; if you don’t have a candy thermometer, test the temperature by throwing in a tiny piece of meat (you’ll definitely have a few discards.) If it’s loud and bubbly when it hits the oil, you’re good; if the oil smokes and generally freaks out, you’re too hot. I heat mine for about 3 minutes on medium-high.

When the oil is hot enough, fork a corner of one piece of chicken and proceed like such:

1. Dredge it in flour; cover both sides well so that it’s fully dry on the outside. Try not to end up with pockets or clumps of flour; you should be able to shake any excess off.
2. Dip it in the beaten egg, both sides. Let the excess drip off.
3. Roll it in the breadcrumbs; use a light touch and don’t press the breadcrumbs in. You want to cover the outside but without any clumps.
4. Hit the oil; if the scallop doesn’t make a sizzling sound, hold off on the next one. If you’re making a whole bunch of these, don’t crowd the pan.

Use a good splatter screen unless you like wiping down the whole kitchen - that’s frying for ya. If you’re frying in a dutch oven and you used enough oil, you shouldn’t worry about sticking, so there’s no need to keep lifting the screen to check. Flip the scallops once (and again if necessary). When done - they should be golden brown, of course - put them on a plate lined with several paper towels; flip to dry off both sides. Squeeze or drizzle some lemon juice over the schnitzels.

Assembly

Spread the horseradish on one side of the roll, ajvar on the other. Place the schnitzel on the ajvar side, top with onions, then lettuce, then close it. This is a handheld meal, but feel free to throw in some chips.

Once you’ve fried up these beauties, you don’t have to serve them on a sandwich. My parents pair them with creamed spinach and mashed potatoes.

Ingredient Notes

Chicken breasts will yield the flattest, most sandwich-friendly schnitzels. Thighs will be tastier and more difficult to keep flat. If you’re out of breadcrumbs or you’re not feeling this whole breading thing for whatever reason, you can just fry the chicken naked-style.

Make your own horseradish sauce if you want (that’s a whole other recipe.) I like Beaver brand horseradish.

If there’s one thing you take away from this recipe, it should be Ajvar. This is a fabulous spread made from roasted eggplant and red pepper. There are many brands and styles; I prefer the more eggplanty kinds (which are more orange and savory, less red and sweet.) Your local Eastern-European store should have it. Jadranka brand is closest to the homemade stuff I grew up on.